I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
