I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
