Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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