WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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