omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
