Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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