she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
