My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize