I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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