My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
