i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
