WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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