sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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