my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
