i was born a porn star she said
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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