I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
