I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
