Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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