This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
