I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
