I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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