Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
