I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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