remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
