yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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