So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
