oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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