i love accidental penises.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
