Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
