apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
