I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
