Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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