nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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