I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
