you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
