I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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