i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
