Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
