Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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