I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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