I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
