The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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