Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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