remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
