God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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