The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
whose parrot is this?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
where are my eyebrows?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
