arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
