I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
