Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
