I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize