Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
