We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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