Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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