a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
